Thursday, August 9, 2007

How to choose a President

*** By MS (Chicago) ***
Is Mr. Edwards too much of a pretty boy with his $400 haircut? Are his features a bit too feminine? Mrs. Clinton dresses too masculine? Her cleavage not sexy enough? Mr. Obama doesn’t have enough gray hairs of wisdom?

One of the morning “news” shows did a segment on “appropriate” presidential pets. Apparently America prefers to have a president with a dog rather than a cat. Not only is feline discrimination widespread in this country, so is size discrimination. The dog has to be just the right size for the pug to be America’s first pet.

Will Mr. Obama’s ability to speak Indonesian or Monsieur Romney’s fluency in French hinder their chances at being the leader of the free world? If history is any indication, these candidates might be in for a rude shock

And, yes, the most crucial factor in electing a president is BBQ – not barbeque silly, but Beer Buddy Quotient. It is a measure of how comfortable an American feels having a beer and kicking back with the presidential candidate. George Bush fared very well on that test, which offset his miserable performance on general knowledge tests. His plain speaking mannerisms and southern charms still dwarf his flagrantly incompetent actions for 30 percent of Americans.

And at the end of the day it all boils down to the potential first spouse. America envisions her first lady to be a docile, sweet, sophisticated woman with a nice pearl collection. If your wife happens to be an independent-minded, smart woman like Teresa Heinz Kerry, then you can kiss your dream goodbye. Or if your spouse chooses to work and carry on with her normal life like Mrs. Dean, then she is not “supportive” enough. Gee, if you can’t get your wife to support you, forget about America!

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